I thought the crazy amount of partying, drinking and irresponsible life we were living was normal. I thought the constant arguing, anxiety, stress and worry was what life had to offer. I didn't love any of it but I was convinced that this was it. Scraping and pretending and pushing all the worry, emotions and life issues waaaay down with alcohol. Not in a million years did I think that Shane or I for that matter, had a drinking  problem. 

Alcohol was a right of passage where we come from, an accepted way to friendship, a communication tool , It was a bridge between two people who otherwise might not connect, it was a medicine , it was a relaxer at the end of a hard day, it was a buffer at family events. It was normal, accepted and sometimes it felt it was almost required. 

A normal week for Shane and I would look similar to this; we would skate through the week, absorbing all the crap that life was throwing at us, ie: money, bills, work, ect then on the weekend we would get a sitter (usually family) and we would “go to dinner” our plan would be to unwind, chat about the week and connect. In reality “dinner” resulted in MAYBE an appetizer and a

whole.lotta .drinks.

Out of the two of us, Shane was the one who went to rehab but we both lived a life hiding from reality in drugs and alcohol. I guess the only difference I see in our paths was that once our daughter was born I knew when to throw in the towel and Shane went full throttle. I don’t know why either one of us took either path, I’m sure it has everything to do with past traumas, co-dependency issues, control issues, acceptance issues, I mean I could go on and on in the psyche of it all, but ultimately, I don’t know. What I do remember is after a late night of partying….. hard, we still had some “stuff” left over and I was all for saving it for the next weekend, I was a planner.

I went to bed

I woke  up at about 3AM

noticed Shane wasn’t in bed

went out to the garage

found him sitting in a camping chair , garage open, smoking a cigarette and finishing off what was left ……. By himself .

That’s when it hit me, “Now we don't have anything for next weekend!”

Literally people, that was my first thought.

My second thought was……. “This might be an issue.”

Do you know what I did with that thought, I pushed that thought away , I didn't want to even consider that that thought might be our reality. I didn't even consider it, it was the one thought and it was done. Then I went back to bed………
Shane stayed up. 

When I reflect  back on the behaviors now I see how alcohol was the root to all of our problems. The lying about the alcohol consumed, the staying up all night, the inability to do ANYTHING without a drink in hand, the weekly hangovers, the financial struggle, the pushing back of hard conversations, It was apparent that we were not living life to the best of our ability. We were just getting by. We were living under the reign of addiction. Shane was addicted and I was making excuses for it. I knew deep down in my spirit that something was wrong but I never thought it could ever have to do with ALCOHOL………. Even on the day when Shane came to me and told me he knew he had to go to rehab, I still didn't’ understand. Deception is alive and real

Stay strong.

You got this.

God is good and faithful.

-Jessica Ramer